"I know you want me to want you, I want to."


This is how it feels whenever I think of you. Whenever I think of how fun my days used to be when you were still in my life. I hate to say it. But I do, I miss it. I miss you. I think I do. I don't even know anymore. It's like part of me has moved on, and the other part of me, still gets excited whenever she hears your name. Whenever she sees your name online. Whenever you make accidental eye contact with her.

It's insane. And I'm sick of it.

You've been absent for 3 days now. And unconsciously, I'm starting to worry. The voices in my head are telling me 'What if what he said was true?' 'What if he really had a sick heart?'. I feel this, familiar feeling in my stomach. The feeling I used to get whenever my friends told me you were in trouble. I don't want it to come back. I have successfully avoided you for 3 whole months. You told me you missed me, and I told you I missed you to. At that moment, I lied. I hated you. So much. The way you ended things. So perplexed and unclear. It sickens me. You're pathetic. I remember when you used to start conversations with me, and you never continue it. I'm starting to be the only one who cares again. And what's even worse? I hear words from songs, I read quotes from pictures, thinking 'What if?' 'What if he feels this way?' 'What if he only left me because of his "heart condition"?' 'No. Don't believe his lies Sheikha, it's not true.' 'What if it was?' 'Oh my God, please Sheikha you know him, he's the most chilled and laid back boy you've ever met.'

Why am I doing this to myself? I'm the only one thinking about these things. I'm the only one talking to myself about it. You're probably enjoying life without me.

I don't even know anymore. We stopped talking for about a month.

And it's secretly killing me.

That's not good.
That sucks.

Labels: Him, Personal